If Champagne cost less than $30. Then you bought it off the back of a truck alongside a pair of Folex wrist watches and a Juicy sweat suit that actually said Bouncy in a half circle rainbow from the left cheek to the right one.

    When you are in the torrid Sahara desert, and the blues start to play all wispy.. at first. Then.. the saxophone wails notes that make the babies cry and women weep. A camel saunters over spits in your face and says “yo I got some Champagne that was made right here. Ya dig?”

    Me telling you the following information would at this point snap you out of your dream and save you from that ex of yours appearing on the camel asking for a little more time to pay you back for driving your car and the three spider monkeys that you had to smuggle in from Antarctica off a cliff just as your ex jumped out of the car yelling “me and peyote all the waaaaaaaaaay.”

    You would snap out because you would know that the only Champagne in all the world comes from….

    wait for it…

    wait some more..

    Champagne, France

    Just like Kona coffee comes from Kona, Hawaii. Like Chiclets come from Mexico. Like Keanu Reeves comes from Point Break, so the sparkling wine named Champagne only comes from the region of Champagne, France.

    It’s in the north eastern part of France, about an hour by train from Paris to Epernay (central Champagne)

    Most of the world was using the term méthode champenoise to describe their sparkling wine until a bunch of lawyers put a stop to that. Some producers still do due to a sort of grandfather clause, but most now have to put “traditional method or méthode traditionnelle” on the label to describe this particular style of making sparkling wine.

    This method requires a double fermentation. They take grapes, press them, ferment them in oak barrels and then bottle the wine. The wine is bottled with a dosage (modicum of sugar added to the wine) and a touch of yeast.

    The yeast’s internal chemical makeup transforms the sugar into alcohol and carbon dioxide. The gas is trapped however, giving the wine an effervescence.

    They also do some aging on the lees, riddling, disgorging and re corking. I realize that out of context these terms sound exceptionally dirty, but if you go there it’s your own fault because these are wine terms that truly apply to this wine making technique. I won’t even touch on batonage or bung hole at this point.

    I try to keep this blog something that can be posted publicly even though the wine making industry is really full of murder, intrigue, romance, and lewd behavior at times.

    If you want the unedited version feel free to email me at realfoodwine@gmail.com. Ask for the pizza with extra anchovy in the subject heading.